Austin Powers: The Metroid of Parody
by Kaffe Kane
Summary: This is crazy. Casting so many different characters from all around the place. Dr. Evil laugh
1. Default Chapter

Austin Powers: The Metroid of Parody (The Spy Who Shagged Me, and   
  
In Goldmember)  
  
Evil...Evil is the one and only Kraid...  
  
Evil...Evil is the only Mother Brain...  
  
Megabyte: Austin Powers...International Man of Mystery...  
  
blah-blah-blah-blah-blah...do I HAVE TO recite this crap?!  
  
Bob: Shut up, before I give you the magnet.  
  
Megabyte: NO! Not the magnet!  
  
Cast:  
  
Austin Powers - Ridley  
  
Dr. Evil - Kraid  
  
Mini-Me - Mini-Kraid  
  
Frau Farbissina - Keaton  
  
Number 2...Hundred Pounds - James Hardy  
  
Scott Evil - Houston  
  
Unabrow - As Herself  
  
Fat Bastard - As Himself...except he's not fat anymore.  
  
Felicity Shagwell - Vegeta?! (o_O He insisted)  
  
Basil - Samus Aran?! (o_O She insisted)  
  
Ivana Humpalot - Locuthis Schneider...in some serious drag!  
  
Fattzo Cleopatra - Fatzo of the Ghostly Trio  
  
Goldmember - As Himself...isn't that vierd? Yesh! *claps and giggles*  
  
Famous Goldmemeber - Seto Kaiba  
  
Famous Dr. Evil - Goku  
  
Famous Mini-Me - King Kai  
  
Famous Austin - Joey Wheeler  
  
Dixie Normous - Mai Valentine  
  
Justice Ubudu - Hercule  
  
Queen Lizardbreath (We are not amused!) Sorry...Elizabeth - Freiza  
  
Fook Mi - Bra  
  
Fook Yu - Pan  
  
Young Austin - Piccolo  
  
Young Dr. Evil - Gohan  
  
Young Basil - Samus Aran  
  
The Old Janitor - As Himself  
  
Number Flea, The Flea - Inu-Yasha, Myoga  
  
Henchman Holding Wrench - Kagome  
  
Henchman Arbitrarily Turning Knobs Making It Seem Like She's Doing Something  
  
- Sango  
  
You Guys Back There - Shippo, Miroku, Kaede  
  
Nigel Powers - Kikyo (We were a little understaffed in the men department)  
  
Mr. Roboto (Dr. Robotonik) - Dr. Robotnik  
  
Japanese Guard - Koga  
  
Japanese Surveilance Watcher - Koenma  
  
The Doctor - Sessho-Maru  
  
The Sailor - Kuwabara  
  
It's the ultimate parody ever! The cast of Inu-Yasha, Yu-Yu Yu-Gi-Oh,  
  
Metroid, DBZ/GT, Dr. Robotnik, and Fatzo. (Hey! Can't you address me a   
  
little better?) ...Okay...  
  
AND FATZO! (Mwe, heh, heh!)  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
For production reasons (aka: the director's memory), Goldmember will be  
  
first. Isn't that vierd? *giggles* 


	2. Act 1

Setting subtitle: Somewhere in Nevada  
  
*helicopter flies close to highway, chasing a woman on a motorcycle.*  
  
Joey: *skydiving to his Shaguar, boarding the driver's side and taking  
  
off the skydiving outfit, then driving off to the other scene*  
  
*helicopter fires at the motorcycle, blocked by the Shaguar's bulletproof  
  
rear window. It then fires a rocket, and chases the Shaguar.*  
  
Joey: *stops the Shaguar and drives at the helicopter, then uses the   
  
ejector seat and flies over the helicopter, firing two SMGs at the pilot*  
  
Helicopter: *explodes!*  
  
Joey: *lands on the ground, feet first and drops the SMGs. He turns to   
  
face the cameras and takes off his sunglasses.* Yeah, bay-bee.  
  
Joey Wheeler as Austin Powers  
  
*Motorcycle drives up and the rider gets off and removes the helmet*  
  
Mai: Hi, I'm Dixie. Dixie Normous.  
  
Mai Valentive as Dixie Normous  
  
Mai: I might just be a part time CIA agent slash profession duel monsters  
  
player, but I'm still tough...and sexy.  
  
Joey: Well Miss Normous, do ew shag now or shag lager?  
  
Mai: Oh, Austin...behave! *fakes kissing* (learn your lines, you twit.)  
  
Goku: Hey, Powers!  
  
*Joey and Mai look*  
  
Goku: You better watch friggin' self, because this is one doctor who DOES  
  
make house calls. *poses and theme music plays*   
  
Goku as Dr. Evil  
  
Goku: Right, Mini-Me?  
  
King Kai: HEY, ASSHOLES!! *flips off and theme music plays*  
  
King Kai as Mini-Me  
  
King Kai: I'm right over here! I'm Mini-Me! Come and get me! *fires ki  
  
blasts into the air*  
  
AUSTIN POWERS IN *CENSORED*  
  
Goku and King Kai: *evil laugh*  
  
Steven Spielburger: And, CUT! So, Austin, what did you think?  
  
Ridley: Well I can't believe that Sir Steven Spielburger, the grooviest  
  
film-maker in the history of cinema...is making a mmmmmovie about my life.  
  
Very shag-a-delic, baby, yeah! Having said that, I do have some thoughts.  
  
Spielburger: Excuse me...but...my friend here, thinks it's fine the way it  
  
is. *golden trophy glintzes*  
  
Ridley: Well, no offense, Sir Stevie, but you gotta have Hojo, baby, yeah!  
  
Hit it! *Theme song plays*  
  
--------------------------  
  
Setting: Dr. Evil's Secret Hollywood Lair  
  
Keaton: Welcome back, Herr Doctair...'ow was space?  
  
Kraid: Space was cool, wasn't it, Mini-Me?  
  
Mini-Kraid: *nods* Mm-hm.  
  
Hardy: Dr. Evil, while you were in space, I created a way for us to make  
  
legitimate sums of money, and still maintain the ethics and business practices  
  
of an 'evil' organization. I have turned into a talent agency: The Hollywood   
  
Villian Agency.  
  
Kraid: Really?  
  
Hardy: By charging A-List clients nine percent, rather the usual ten   
  
percent, we've been able to sign up such villans as Sessho-Maru,  
  
Kraid: Ooh.  
  
Hardy: Yura of the Hair,  
  
Kraid: Hey.  
  
Hardy: And Dilandau Albatou.  
  
Kraid: *whispers* Dilandau!  
  
Hardy: And the best part of the whole scheme is...we all get our own  
  
personal assisstants. *snaps fingers*  
  
Inu-Yasha: Hi, we're number Flea!  
  
Kraid: WHOA! *zooms into Old Man Myoga*  
  
Myoga: *looks around* Whaat?  
  
Inu-Yasha: We're glad to be part of the team here at HVA.  
  
Kraid: Very impressive, Number Two...Hundred Pounds. *burp* But now I  
  
finally have the perfect plan. *pushes a button on a remote* In the late  
  
11970's there lived a Dutch mettalurgical hedonist by the name of Gohan van  
  
der Smut. He loved gold so much that he lost his genitalia in an unfortuate  
  
smelting accident, hence the name...Goldmemeber. He invented a cold-fusion  
  
power unit...for a "tractor beam"-*looks at Mini-Kraid and pulls his hands  
  
up*-"tractor beam", powerful enough to pull a meteor to Earth. The meteor  
  
was called..."Midas 22". Its made of solid gold-*whispers*-is he sleeping?  
  
Keaton: *nods smiling*  
  
Kraid: Well that's okay...I guess Mini-Me won't get any CHOCOLATE!  
  
M-K: *jumps awake with a start*  
  
Kraid: *laughs* You want down, Mini-Me? Use your words like a big-boy  
  
clone! *lets M-K down*  
  
M-K: *falls, gets up*  
  
Kraid: He's OK! *laughs stupidly* Here's the chocolate...it's from  
  
Broo-ges...that's where Daddy's from, yeah. Arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr!  
  
*laughs again* Check out Mini-Me! He's gone mintal, on account of the  
  
chocolate. It's like frickin' catnip for clones!  
  
Inu-Yasha: Your chair, Dr. Evil.  
  
Kraid: Thank you-WHOAA!! *zooms on Myoga*  
  
Myoga: *looks around again* Whaaat?  
  
Kraid: Htih...hooth...huth...A Buh...*grins slightly* Thanks. Skedaddle.  
  
Right. You know, when you have kids, I think you'll find that all kids are   
  
different, eh?   
  
Keaton: Ja.  
  
Kraid: Ja.  
  
Keaton: JA!  
  
Kraid: Ja.  
  
Keaton: Ja.  
  
Kraid: Ja.  
  
Keaton: JA!  
  
Kraid: Ja...for example, Mini-Me loves chocolate...Scotty DON'T!  
  
Houston: What, I like chocolate fine, it's just that-  
  
Kraid: Scotty don't!  
  
Houston: Oh, this is familiar, lemme do what I do: Uh would ya' stop?!  
  
Kraid: Howbouyuhdowa!  
  
Houston: How bout I what?  
  
Kraid: How bou yuh downt?  
  
Houston: It's just th-  
  
Kraid: How bout yuh down't?  
  
Houston: Honestly, it's just that-  
  
Kraid: How about you don't, ladies and gentlemen, Scotty don't.  
  
Hardy: Dr. Evil, maybe you should finish unveiling your plan.  
  
Kraid: Yes, thank you, Number Two...Hundred Pounds. Ladies and Gentlemen,  
  
my plan is-Scotty Don't.  
  
Houston: Aw, come on, you're such a lame-ass!  
  
Kraid: Mini-Me aimee le chocolate, bien, ah oui eh? *pop* Scotty ne pas.  
  
*Oh's and Duh's exchanged between Kraid and Houston*  
  
Houston: You know, this is causing serious psychological harm!  
  
Kraid: Oh...I dunno...Who-am-I?  
  
Houston: Fine, you know what? I would love some chocolate!  
  
Kraid: *slides the box* Here you go.  
  
Houston: Thank you...perfect. *flips open the box*  
  
M-K: *growls and falls out of the chair onto the floor, but crawls to  
  
Houston's feet.*  
  
Kraid: *grabs M-K with a harness* Heel, Mini-Me! *trying to pull M-K in*  
  
Come on, got me a marlin. Yeah!  
  
M-K: *hits his head on the table's underside* Oof!  
  
Kraid: Are you okay Mini-Me?  
  
M-K: Mh-hm.  
  
Kraid: Did I pull too hard? (Mm-mm) I don't wanna hurt you.  
  
Hardy: Dr. Evil...what does Goldmember's plan have to do with us?  
  
Kraid: Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several  
  
preparations. Preparations A-G were a complete failure, but now, we finally  
  
have a working tractor beam...which we shall call...Preparation H! *evil  
  
fingers*  
  
Houston: *laughs*  
  
Kraid: What?  
  
Houston: Why don't ya call it 'Operation Asscream', you ass.  
  
Kraid: ...I'm sorry, did you want some ice cream?  
  
Houston: ...Yes. I'd love some chocolate ass cream.  
  
Kraid: *looks around for Fat Bastard* ...Perhaps later.  
  
Hardy: Dr. Evil, I love your plan.  
  
Kraid: Ja, eh?  
  
Keaton: Ja, Herr Doctair. Is a really good plan.  
  
Kraid: Yes, Frau, on the whole I think Preparation H feels good.  
  
Houston: *laughs again*  
  
Kraid: What now?  
  
Houston: No, no, nothing...you know what...I agree. Preparation H -does-  
  
feel good...on the hole.  
  
Kraid: *looks around* Well, I'm glad we're Sprecken Zee the same lingidee,  
  
yeah. *gets up* Ladies and Gentlemen, using my time machine I shall travel  
  
back to 11975, pick up Goldmember and bring him back here...and the best  
  
part of this plan is...no one can stop me...not even...Austin Powers. *theme  
  
music plays* *evil laugh*  
  
Hardy: *evil laugh*  
  
M-K: *evil laugh*  
  
Everybody: *evil laugh*  
  
Ridley: *enters from the left* Not so fast! You're surrounded Dr. Evil!  
  
Kraid: .........Shit.  
  
End Act 1 


End file.
